Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Meant to Fly

I do so love chatting with strangers.  Late yesterday I was walking my dog and caught up with a lovely woman with enchanting tattoos and a fabulous skirt.


Me:  "I like your wings and your bird."  She had wings on the outside of her ankles and a bird rounding her neck.

Lovely woman:  "Thank you...but they don't make me walk any faster."

Me:  "That's because you were meant to fly."

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Monday, September 29, 2014

Squawkin'

I feel like a mother hen hovering over my brood...of chickens.  We never hear them from inside the house.  Never.  Well, except for that one hen we had that cock-a-doodle-doo'd and outed himself as a rooster.  But since then, never. 

But today I could totally hear Fuzzy from inside our house.  I had to go outside to look.  Twice! 

Now our hens haven't started laying yet, but we've been impatiently expecting that to start any time now.  And I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, Fuzzy feels somethin' a comin'.  Somethin' that without any explanation must feel quite terribly wrong indeed.

Yup, if I were Fuzzy I'd be making those same squawky sounds...without a doubt.


In fact, I'm pretty sure I did make those same squawky sounds about 15 and 19 years ago....

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Sunday, September 28, 2014

Front Porch Friend

There's a toad that lives on our porch.  I walk out at night to get our cats in (coyotes have been hanging in our hood lately) and there's always a toad right there.  It's a super friendly toad in that I'll-tolerate-you-picking-me-up-and-I'll-pee-just-as-a-matter-of-routine kind of way.  And there must be some great eatin' 'round these parts because over the last month that toad has gone from small to medium to BIG. 

I brought this up to my family and went on and on about my amazement.  And they were utterly and completely unimpressed.


Family member:  "There are three different toads.  A small one, a medium one, and a big one."

Me:  "Oh."

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Saturday, September 27, 2014

Menopause and Memory

Little guy:  "Hey, mom, are you looking forward to menopause?"

Me:  "YES!!!"

Little guy:  "Oh.  But that's when you get hot flashes."

Me:  "What were you expecting me to say?"

Little guy:  "I thought you'd say, 'no'."


Rats!  He was disappointed.


Me:  "Did you want me to say, 'no'?"

Little guy:  "I had a good joke to tell you if you had."

Me:  "Oh...well then, no."

Little guy:  "Too late.  I forgot the joke."


Rats!  Now I'm disappointed.

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Friday, September 26, 2014

The Super Duper Never-Ending Hug

I feel pretty darn lucky that my kids, at fifteen and nineteen, are still super snuggly.  While a lot of hugs are motivated by their wanting me to cook something or to prove HOW MUCH BIGGER they are than their wee little mom, sometimes hugs are purely about love.

Or so I thought last night until the hug went on just a little too long (not that I'm complaining).


Me:  "Are you playing a video game while you're hugging me?"

Little guy:  "Yup."


And that hug kept going and going.  Bliss...

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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Cookie Love

I've always rather liked rewards.  You know, simple stuff like crossing things off of a "to do" list, the few coins I find in the washing machine after doing a load of the family's laundry, and hugs.  Hugs are always good.  But lately the main reward I've been wanting is cookies.

Yes, I'm Kali...and I've got a problem.  A cookie problem.

It seems whenever I eat my lunch or dinner, my tastebuds collaborate with my brain and they all say, "We deserve a cookie!"

So do I indulge them with a fabulous chocolate chip cookie?

Do I present them with a whimsically decorated sugar cookie?

Do I give them a meticulously criss-crossed peanut butter cookie?

Nope, nope, nope!


No...because they're stuck with me they get an amazing gluten free ginger snap cookie...or five.

And they are SO happy!


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Wednesday, September 24, 2014

All Wild and Curly

This morning I woke up to the most amazing bed head I think I've ever had.  Truly, I rather looked like Medusa...on a bad snake hair kind of day.

Now what's nice about my mornings is that I get to spend them alone.  Well, not counting the dogs and cats.  So my family is spared the sight of morning me.  But on the rare occasion that one of them does pop out into the living room before the sun comes up, well, I shout out a preemptive "I'm pretty!!!"

You know, in case they aren't able to see through my wild exterior and all.

 Exhibit A...Insert "I'm pretty!!!" here.

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I Love Talking to Strangers!

...because the unexpected always happens.  And sometimes the unexpected is pretty awesome.

Case in point.  Last night I was walking Hazel and as often happens when I'm out with one of my dogs, someone stops me to have a conversation.

We made small talk and then came the time for introductions.


Fella with a dog:  "My name is Ed.  You know, like erectile dysfunction."

Me:  "Oh...yup, not gonna forget that."  As in ever!


He was quite delightful to talk with...but I have to wonder if he uses that mnemonic device to pick up chicks at bars...and how well it works for him.


Awesome encounter.  Am I right?

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Monday, September 22, 2014

I sent my Inner Goth Chick Packing

Remember last week when the kid got his mohawk and I went all goth with black fingernail polish and all?  (Read all about it here.)  Well, I'd actually only planned on going goth for a day or so...but when I looked for fingernail polish remover, it was nowhere to be found.  So since it was a late night discovery and I wasn't about to go shopping right then, I just painted over my already chipped nails and went to bed. 

The next morning I realized that right after school I needed to race down to a workshop I was attending.  So off I went, black fingernails and all, to where I got to meet and then spend three wonderful days with about thirty of the most phenomenal women (and one dude) I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Did I go around explaining my nails?  Nah.

Did anyone ask about them?  Nope.

Did my inner goth chick have the best time ever?  Absolutely!!


P.S. Last night I removed the black fingernail polish and sent my inner goth chick packing...but I think it's safe to assume she'll be back...often.

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Sunday, September 21, 2014

He got in Touch with his Feminine Side

So someone...yes, the same someone as always...has been found guilty of opening a package addressed to me. 


Me upon seeing what I'd been expecting strewn about the kitchen table:  "Hey, who opened my package?"

Nameless someone:  "I did."

Me:  "It's never OK to open a package with someone else's name on it!"


Seriously, right?  I mean opening a package is one of life's greatest pleasures.


Nameless someone:  "It said 'Kali Parsons or Resident'.  I'm a resident."

Me:  "Not buying it.  Not OK.  Not ever."


And while I'm still annoyed, I kind of wish I'd been a fly on the wall when he opened the package of free sample Kotex I'd ordered.  Bet he was a tad disappointed.

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Saturday, September 20, 2014

Lazy is as Lazy Does

Apparently the new operating system for the iPhone just came out.


Little guy:  "Have you downloaded the new operating system?"

Me:  "No.  Didn't know there was one."

Little guy:  "Yeah, look.  I don't even have to type hardly anything and words pop up.  I can be even lazier than before!"

Me:  "I didn't know you could be any lazier than you already are."


...pause...


Me:  "Hey, will you download the operating system for me?"

Dave:  "Wait a minute, weren't you the one just criticizing laziness?"

Me:  "Oh...yeah.  So will you download it for me?"


And my sweet, not so lazy kid did.

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Friday, September 19, 2014

Objects up Close are Bigger than he Thought they Were

So we've been letting our cats be outside with our chickens lately.  By "with" I just mean they're underneath the same big sky.


Now, our big cat, Pug...well, "It ain't worth the trouble of gettin' my big ol' self over that fence."

Our littler cat, Tommy...well he jumped right over the fence, got right in the middle of the chickens, and "OH, MY GOSH...THEY'RE FREAKIN' PTERODACTYLS!!!"


I think there will be peace amongst our creatures.

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Thursday, September 18, 2014

A Little Sore

In the car this afternoon.


Me:  "I've been feeling a little sore every day since you started working out with me."

Little guy:  "'A little'?"

Me:  "Yeah, every day."

Little guy:  "You should feel more sore than 'a little'."


Uh oh....

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Seeing Orange

Last night on my walk I passed the cutest fella.  He was a total ginger, hair a lovely shade of light auburn.  And he was wearing a Longhorn orange polo shirt.  And the icing on the cake?  He was walking an equally ginger Golden Retriever.

They were awesome...and I told them so.


And when I did, he looked down at his shirt and at his dog, and appeared to have had no idea that they shared the same shade.  That made them even more awesome.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Going Goth

When the kid got his mohawk the other day, it seemed to release my inner goth chick...who had remained dormant for almost thirty years.

Did I go overboard?  Did I dye my hair black?  Did I dig out my old black trench coat?  Nope, my inner goth chick did battle with my inner minimalist and they settled on black fingernail polish.  And I'm lovin' it! 

Except for the ridiculous number of times I've seen my nails out of the corner of my eye and have been convinced that there's a cockroach or some such unwanted thing on my hand. 

Gadzooks!

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Monday, September 15, 2014

The Lift

I discovered something funny a few days ago.   Apparently I managed to have an eye lift at the age of eighteen months. 

When I was a wee one I had a barbel shaped growth over my left eye.  It was going out just under my eyebrow, and going in...straight into my brain.  The thing had to go.  So go it did and I've had a cool scar ever since then to mark the occasion.

But as I've aged, apparently the skin over my eyes has puffed and sagged just a tad.  Only the thing is, not so much on that left side, the one that had the major surgery. 

So, yup, that eye lift is enhancing my asymmetry...and my left side youthfulness...I dig it.

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Sunday, September 14, 2014

The Perfect Trade

For years now the boys have been coming to me for food.  When they were little I made everything for them, of course.  As they got older they picked up cooking skills like scrambled eggs, mac and cheese, and frozen pizza.  But even though they've got those delicacies under their belts, they still prefer to have their food made my someone else...namely me.

But brilliance struck the other day.  I came to the conclusion that they can most certainly give as well as they receive. 

So now I officially have my own personal trainer.  Picture my little guy standing in our kitchen holding a sign that says, "Will work you out for food."

Yup, there's now officially a correlation between the size of his belly and the size of my biceps.  I dig it!

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Saturday, September 13, 2014

Mohawk

At 11:48 last night I received a text.  Texts sent at that time should be due to an emergency, right?

Nope.

Little guy: "I need to get a haircut tomorrow."


...and that's why I'm super happy that I'm a deep sleeper.


Skip to today after I dropped my sweet kiddo off at the barber shop. 


Little guy:  "I'm ready to be picked up now."

So I got in my car and head right on over.  And what happened next took me completely by surprise.

1. I drove right by my kid who had started walking home...because I did not recognize him!

2. I did not recognize him because he had a mohawk...something I thought he'd never do because his mom, me, had one in high school, too.


Having a little "Like Mother, Like Son" bliss.

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Friday, September 12, 2014

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to the Chicken Coop

Yes, I was bringing them scrambled eggs again.  No, it's not weird.  Yes, it's OK...and they love it.

Anyway, Dave was already out there hangin' with the ladies as I began my approach. 


Dave:  "Did you just fart?"

Me:  "Eggs!  It's the scrambled eggs!"  (this time, anyway...gee)

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Thursday, September 11, 2014

Looking...not good

My sweet husband has been taking a photography class.  Each week he comes home with an assignment.  This week's was titled something like "change the lighting and perspective dramatically" or something like that.  But what it was in reality was "make your wife look her very worst"...yup.

Now the whole family posed.  We got to be the subject of an attractive photo and the subject of an, um, er, different perspective photo.  We all looked like ourselves in the former, but the latter, that was a different story.

Dave made himself look like he had a teeny, tiny head, but fine.

He made my big guy look like he had the longest eyelashes ever.

He made my little guy look spooky.

And me...he made me look like I'm dripping skin off of my neck. 


So, as I'll be in California for Halloween and I can't really take an elaborate costume in my carry on, I've decided that my costume is a super high lumens flashlight, strapped to my torso, aimed upward.  That's all I'll need to be super scary.

Boo!

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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Startled!

I saw my shadow today.  I see it pretty much every day, of course, but it really stuck out to me today.  And it startled me.  The thing is, even though I got my hair cut short about three months ago (it was long for almost ten years), I think in my mind's eye, I still have long hair.  Mind you, it's not a sad startle.  It's a "Dang, that's sassy!" startle. 

So...I suppose I was basically startled by my sassy self.  Groovy!

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Tuesday, September 9, 2014

In the Background

So the kid is a prankster. 

I actually love this about him...when he's pranking other people, that is. 

But what's been happening is this.  Each day for several days now, when I go to my computer there's a new background.  And it's not just any background.  Nope.  It's a background of my little guy's design.  You see, the kid rather digs Will Farrell.  That's all fine and wonderful, I dig him, too.  But unlike this creative kid of mine, I do not use Photoshop to create odd Will Farrell creatures. 

Yup, on my background currently is Will Farrell's face somehow edited onto a girl's head and body.  Most disturbing. 


And now I'm feeling my inner payback prankster brewing to the surface...suggestions welcome.

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Monday, September 8, 2014

Dave's New Word

Yup, it's time for another Davism to hit the internet. 

So, what happens when everyone in the house notices how awesome it is that you're mopping (finally) the kitchen floor?

You're suddenly very "mopular"...I suppose this is pretty much a popularity award for housework. 


Ya, a title's nice and all, but I'm still not motivated to do housework.

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Sunday, September 7, 2014

Love Pecks

So here's the latest with our awesome chicken, Phyllis.  (More about her here.) She's hilarious in pretty much every way, and now she's added a new behavior.  Not only does she run to us immediately when we go in the chicken area, but now she gives us love pecks.  Yes, the girl is so excited to see us and so utterly and completely in love with us, that now she kisses us in her wonderful chickeny way. 

And the feeling is mutual.  Mwah!

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Saturday, September 6, 2014

Laughter

As the lone human female 'round these parts I just have to say how absolutely wonderful it is to have my oldest son's girlfriend around.  She's kind, delightful, intelligent, and gorgeous, but what gives me the most blissful pause is her laugh.  I usually hear it through my kid's closed door, and it's the sort of sound that lifts you up and plants a big smile upon your face. 

Now, if I really want to count the estrogen card carriers in my house, it's females for the win...two dogs, four chickens, and one me vs. Dave, the guys, and two cats.

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Friday, September 5, 2014

Fuel up Fail

I like to think that embarrassingly goofy stuff like this happens to most people...at least some of the time.  But deep down I'm pretty sure it only happens to me. 


Today, for instance:

I pulled into a gas station to fill up my car.  I was down to a quarter of a tank so I was being super responsible and all.  I popped my gas cap cover, took my gas cap off, did all the credit card stuff, put the pump thing in, and started fueling.  Of course instantly I used that little stopper thing that keeps it pumping without you having to hold it the whole time.  And then I cleaned my back windows.  A little while later I heard a click, I pulled out the pump thingie, returned it to its dock, put my gas cap on, closed the cover, and got in my car and took off.

I gave it a bit of time for my gas gauge to rise to full as it always takes just a bit of time...and nothin'!  It didn't budge past the original quarter full. 

So when I got to the grocery store I pulled out my phone and checked my bank balance.  No charge from the gas station.

I must've never really gotten it fueling, though I went through all the motions. 

So this kind of thing happens to all of you, too, right?

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Thursday, September 4, 2014

Shooting Straight about Money

We've always been really honest with our kids about money.  They know how much we make, what we spend, what we can afford, and which times of year are more or less stressful money-wise.  And I think this is why conversations like this can happen.  That and he's just a really cool kid.


Little guy:  "You wouldn't believe what kinds of cars some of my friends are getting from their parents."


My little guy is fifteen and a lot of his friends are right at that getting-a-drivers-license age. 


Me:  "Really?"

Little guy:  "Yeah, one guy is getting a $60,000 truck from his dad, another is getting a Porche, and some twins are both getting Jeeps."

Me:  "And you get to share my Prius."

Little guy:  "Yeah, I'm fine with that."


I love how squarely his head is planted on his shoulders.

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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Fruit Loops

Yes, in a moment of weakness I bought them for my little guy.  Here's the deal.  If you come with me on a shopping trip, I'm gonna let you buy something totally void of nutrition.


Me:  "You like that?  Aren't those for little kids?"

Little guy:  "Pretty much all the good cereal is made for little kids."

Me:  "What about the cereal that dad and I eat."

Little guy:  "That's bird food."

Me:  "So, what's in Fruit Loops?"

Little guy:  "Wheat and sugar...and deliciousness."


Well, I can't beat that last ingredient.


And the Fruit Loops were tossed into the cart.  Shopping trip partner is officially paid in full.

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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Seashore Dreams

Every day I get home from work and have to clean the sand from between my toes.  It's one of the many perks of teaching young, delightful kiddos who love their sandbox.  This past summer is the first summer in forever that we didn't go to the beach or some sort of lake house or something like that,  and I must be feeling it because I actually delay my toe cleaning just a wee bit while I close my eyes and pretend I'm just getting back to my room after a day of fun in the sun.

Seashore dreamy bliss....

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Monday, September 1, 2014

Does this make me a bad mom?

I cleaned the little guy's room this afternoon unbeknownst to him while he was at football practice.  Earlier today I also finished watching the last season of "Breaking Bad".  And now I'm wondering if it makes me a terrible mom to have had this thought run through my head.

 "I wish my kid's room was as tidy as Walter and Jesse's meth lab."

Course I felt like I needed a gas mask on while I was working on it, so at least he had that part right.


P.S. The kid thanked me when he saw it.  I even got a hug.  I've officially regained my "good mom" status.

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